Many of us, in happy relationships or not, have these dark moments when our minds are wondering off to the past, to this one person and to what would happen if this person was to appear. We might feel guilty in these moments. We might enjoy the secret fruit. Or we might not pay any attention to it. What really matters, though, is the fact that these thoughts keep on coming back. So, what would happen if this person was to appear? Would we give in? Would we go for it? Most of us would say, it depended on what this person would do. But does it really?

I have observed it many times with people around me who had some sort of a meaningful encounter while abroad. They fell in love. It was harsh and draining but most of the times it was worth it. It was the “wow” experience as loving people are pushed into a sea of uncertainties – about themselves or the relationship – and it is so freaking scary to close your eyes on those and just go for it. Then, a so true for many modern love stories, these people are torn apart due to distance – work, study, “not ready to settle”, you name it. As we all have seen this distance coming up, we had been less able to let go in the first place and…are now stuck in our uncertainties. “I was ready to give it a try, but he continued the originally mutual philosophy of ”this is not meant to last, you will leave soon”; so we just maintained the lie alive without ever finding out whether there was a meaning to it”.  

And then, months, if not years later, way after the painful and seemingly never ending period of waking up and going to sleep thinking of him, seeing the connection die slowly, you have an opportunity to meet. Silence. Fear. U-n-c-e-r-t-a-i-n-t-y.

You drop him a message that you will be around. Help. He responds casually but happily that he will make sure to come down to the same place and meet. Help. You think you are happy; it was easier than expected. Help. Your anticipation is eating you alive. Help. What does he expect? Help. We are just friends now. Are we? Help! He said he will book a restaurant. What does this mean? I have lost control. Help? 

And then…silence again. When you are there, you give him a call. He is “confused”. He says “what, I thought it was next weekend?”. You feel relieved. You feel silly. You feel used. You question what you have had before. You question yourself. Has my heart cried for something it never had?

Stop. How does it matter whether he played you? How does it matter whether he really forgot? How does it affect the love you felt and the uncertainties you had the guts to fight? How does it diminish that fact that you grew through opening yourself up, though learning to love. Yes, you will not find out how it would have been to meet him again but why would it matter?

And this is how you know you have closed this chapter. The insignificance of now when thinking of then. No drama. No tears. Nothing. Just the memory of the painfully beautiful moments you had; no matter how the current moments turns out.

Some people are perfectly happy outside a relationship as they have no one to explain themselves to, no one to report to and no one to have to communicate to. The whole idea of “working on a relationship” by talking to each other and bla bla bla…just no.

And then, as things happen in life, you meet this one person you want to work for and with. All of a sudden, the idea of communicating thoughts, feelings, time of arrival at home, etc. are not an issue any more as it is worth it. And it is not difficult at all. It flows seamlessly; so it seems. Even the fact that your common language is the second language for both of you is not an issue. I mean, how many of us have said or heard “it just works, we know from each other what the other person means, we find a way”?

Is that so? How do we explain then the sudden “vicious attacks” against each other after yet another misunderstanding? And is it really a misunderstanding or do we understand all the way already that we do not understand each other due to verbal barriers?

Yes, we do speak the same language and yes we both attach, most of the time, a similar meaning to words. But is this enough? Some people are more verbal than others and take a different route to express themselves. Some people wildly wave their hands in the air almost threatening any normal observant around. Some people just state simple (sometimes too simple) sentences and assume that the actual intention is clear so that no further effort in the word choice needs to be put. Some people are extremely verbal and can express themselves to the point. To their point that is. They see words as tools and have the feeling, potentially falsely, they could justify any given choice of wording at any given moment. And now? When the described three people are in one room as friends having a discussion about art or politics, this could be a fun combination with an interesting outcome. When any of those people are in a relationship longing for some sort of communication without an additional thought of “how to phrase my thought or feeling”…we have a problem. How do we overcome this humongous gap between two people? The gap that we have not seen. The gap that makes communication so hard. The gap that makes us wonder whether intention and feeling are really enough. 

I would like to go to such a place. I sometimes long for just running away and being somebody else. Somebody smarter, prettier, better in control, more successful in life, more open to people, more able to commit, less caring, less thinking, less struggling. Oh yes, would that not be nice. Just go away and never come back. Never even look back. Just leave all behind and reinvent your life. Reinvent yourself.

Dreams are the driver and the danger in life. As much as we run towards it, we should never get swallowed by it. After all, my ever re-occurring issues give me a stable ground. They make me me. My very personal life. I have one, hence I am. But sometimes, they remind me that this me is not that somebody else.

He is perfect. He adores you, his family loves you, and all his friends tell you how great he was. You see yourself with him in the longer term and simply cannot find a single reason to break up with him. None. Zero. Oh gosh, how many women would envy you right now. To put it in nice words.

And when you lie in his arms it feels good. Simply good. It feels right. But does it blow your mind? Does it give you that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach? Does it make a little emotional girl out of you that is irrational and helpless? No? And now?

According to some research, relationships that do not start off as a firework of passion have a higher chance of survival. Plus, after having talked to some people around me, I have heard the statement that “it is always better if feelings are distributed disproportionally in a relationship”. Apparently, this creates a balance of emotional giver- and receivership. Aha, interesting…

But do you not feel as a cheater when you sit there late at night and watch him sleep knowing that you cannot feel it? Does it not push you in a suffocating vacuum when you attend events with him and are just there as a shadow of yourself? Do you not want to start screaming and scratching just to cause some sort of an emotional movement inside that dull chest of yours?

And the more you think about it, the more you try to force it, the less successful you are and the less focused you are on him and what you have with him. You feel stressed. You start pushing yourself. And the only feeling you create is that you are doing everything wrong and everything is falling apart.

If you expect to find an answer to this dilemma here, I will have to disappoint you. I am just a quiet observer of the emotional catastrophes within myself and within others. All I know, you can force yourself to do many things; your body is your slave. But feelings are not included in this package. Unfortunately. Breathe in, close your eyes, take some distance and…allow it to happen. Whatever that might be for you.

The symptoms are always the same. Usually, we had some sort of a relationship with that person before. Not necessarily a long and meaningful one, although that can happen. This relationship could have had various forms and there was serious tension between the two of you. And we all know what I mean. Interestingly, some victims reduce this tension to a purely physical satisfaction of needs. But caution is in order as, with no emotions attached to it, there is no feeling of unrest triggered by the on-off situation. Actually, the situation is not even perceived as on nor off as there is no situation. Hence, ladies and gentlemen, acceptance is the first step to cure.

The second symptom is the continuation of contact. Again, multiple forms are possible. Either we continue to fight and make up. Or we continue to party and make out. Or, a classic, we decide to stay friends and have this almost spiritual connection on this special level due to our history. Sure…

The last thing we all have in common is our inability (or unwillingness?) to change anything about the situation. Really! We all tried. Honestly! And we keep on trying. On a daily basis. We say every time “this is the last time” but then throw all our promises away once we receive a message, bump into each other, purely accidentally of course, talk to mutual friends, feel bad because we are actually seeing somebody else… Which brings me to our favourite sentence: Does he have a radar for me starting to feel happy with somebody else?

Fellow victims, he does not. And, I am afraid, most of these things are playing only in our head because we are the ones who do not want to let it go. For whatever reason. We want him, or her, to be our on and off situation. But maybe, only maybe, our counter party wants it too?

Fragments and moments. That is our life. Grey movement in the cold morning sun. Busy metros with quiet people turning newspaper pages. Amusing laughter and small talk of an army in suits marching towards coffee and lunch places. Almost deserted streets in the pre dinner time waiting to be drowned in people and cars rushing home after work. The shine and glitter right before midnight and then the calm softness of the night slowly turning into morning.

Our role and presence in these fragments is of no importance to the moment itself but does define us and our current being. Are you sitting in this metro? Are you having a coffee near the window in the financial district observing the pumping stream of people? All faces. All seconds. Are you in your dark apartment, with a drink and a laptop, hearing the glamour outside and smelling the spirit of hope for a good night out? Or are you, maybe, part of the night and, after having fled a party with a subtle buzz in your ears, maundering down the road fully parked with cars filling it with the sound of your heels?

In any moment, you might look up and see observers like you – an older gentlemen reading a book in a restaurant, a stranger waiting at the traffic light, a woman eating ice cream right at the entrance of the store. All lives. All insignificant dots burdened – or gifted – with consciousness. All players in this lonely but so painfully beautiful game called city life.

I love the city. It can be impersonal and heartless but even the most bitter fragment has an unexplainable sweetness to it. When I feel lonely, standardized, and substitutable, I long for hiding in the city. Paradoxically enough, being surrounded by hundreds of people, directly or indirectly behind walls, does not reduce our feeling of lonesomeness. It creates something new; something special. Crying our eyes out in an isolated high-rise room and seeing the hundreds of lighted windows outside, gives us the feeling of being even more alone. But – being alone together with others.

This is exactly the feeling that is so powerfully captured in Nighthawks.

Money is not great for what it is but much more for what it brings with it and the role it can play in these very same human relationships. Wealth can bring stability into a family minimizing the exposure to unnecessary fights and discussions. It is much easier to snap at your partner about the water stains he left in the bathroom if you do not have a cleaning support and, in addition, are already concerned about the financial burden of your children’s education. No matter how much we wanted it to be true, human beings, especially once they have kids, cannot live on love alone.

But what if relationships are based solely on money? And given that so many conflicts are arising because of it, does it really bring stability or only the illusion thereof until the next spiteful family debate? Is it about the amount of money then? When do we find the balance between wealth and happiness? There is economic research suggesting that the curve of perceived national happiness, measured as a basket of various things surveyed, is a concave function of GDP. This means that, mathematically speaking, there is such a thing as the perfect income level for the maximum utility derived from life. All this on an aggregate level, of course. Simply speaking: the marginal utility from a new pair of Gucci shoes is lower if you have a high (whatever that may be) income and potentially already own multiple pairs. But are we really less happy on the overall level or are we just more picky and critical? Or maybe it is simply due to the human nature of wanting X once we have enough Y? It does not have to be money; it applies also to love or even knowledge.

For those who still want to keep the discussions on an artificially deep level and need to show to themselves that the complexity of their thought is close to the complexity of a ready meal cooking instruction – here it comes. Wealth is not the essence of happiness and not even the only necessary requirement. However, it is definitely an add on. If your old mother is sick, it is a great feeling to be able to bring her to the best hospital (if this sentence pushes your “wrong!” button, you should be fighting the system and not the people living according to it). And after all, if you feel lonely and miserable in a dark rainy night, it is better to do so in a penthouse than in the slums.

I stopped my all so busy life for a second, took a large coffee, and thought about where I belonged to. I could not think of a location. I thought about to whom I belonged to. I could not think of a person. Then I tried to remember the last time I felt “it”. I could not recall. What does this mean? That I am free? Or that I am alone?

Diving into the human psyche, I wondered, do people need this feeling? Does it give us strength to move on and be? Does it provide us with the security net required to take responsible risks? Does it create an engine for personal development? I would normally be the one to say “yes”. But after having made the rather surprising discovery about myself, I might think again.

Where does this feeling come from and what is it based on? Is the feeling of belonging created by our interactive environment (externally)? Something like a cuddly family, large group of friends, protected house with garden and a dog to make us feel save? Or is it more about our openness and willingness to actually feel it (internally)? After all, one can feel one belonged to an area with large green fields with poppy flowers or to a grey gloomy city. Even if you are completely alone and have no active memories connected to this place.

Another interesting point is the human ability to transfer this feeling. If we really love someone, we feel that we belonged into his/her arms independent of the location. And we long for it.

But…do we feel all this only because we need it? Do we create an artificial point of reference for wherever and with whoever we are just to feel we had roots? Just to sense that we are not an insignificant piece of dust flying around the universe? Just to give ourselves an excuse to just be ourselves?

And if so, why do I not feel it? Or do I belong into this coffee bar, in this new for me city, with my laptop and my blackberry? Just for right now? Just for today?

I have been browsing the web to read a bit on this issue. I found über-deep psycho papers and very shallow advice provisions on how to play hard to get with your ex. Wow. Are we really incapable to accept some things in our lives as a fact, find closure, and just move on? Why is it so hard to realize that some things simply cannot be relived?

It also does not seem to matter why we went apart. Emotional and physical distance seem to lead to the same outcome of non-satisfaction if these reasons are understood and respected by both sides. Hence, whether you need to change locations, and this is the reason for the separation, or whether it is your temporal inability to commit due to other pounding circumstances, the result is the same – you tell yourself that it could have worked out, that he was a good counter party, and you feel “it” again when you see him. Or even think of him.

Why is this? Do we really need disasters in our lives? Do we need nasty fights and scandals to avoid masochistic thoughts? Or is it simply our feeling of loneliness that makes us crave for this one right relationship and makes us mentally hold on to any, even slightly perceivable, chance?