You meet him – Mr Right. Whatever that might be for you. And you know it is him. You know. But do you feel it?
He is perfect. He adores you, his family loves you, and all his friends tell you how great he was. You see yourself with him in the longer term and simply cannot find a single reason to break up with him. None. Zero. Oh gosh, how many women would envy you right now. To put it in nice words.
And when you lie in his arms it feels good. Simply good. It feels right. But does it blow your mind? Does it give you that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach? Does it make a little emotional girl out of you that is irrational and helpless? No? And now?
According to some research, relationships that do not start off as a firework of passion have a higher chance of survival. Plus, after having talked to some people around me, I have heard the statement that “it is always better if feelings are distributed disproportionally in a relationship”. Apparently, this creates a balance of emotional giver- and receivership. Aha, interesting…
But do you not feel as a cheater when you sit there late at night and watch him sleep knowing that you cannot feel it? Does it not push you in a suffocating vacuum when you attend events with him and are just there as a shadow of yourself? Do you not want to start screaming and scratching just to cause some sort of an emotional movement inside that dull chest of yours?
And the more you think about it, the more you try to force it, the less successful you are and the less focused you are on him and what you have with him. You feel stressed. You start pushing yourself. And the only feeling you create is that you are doing everything wrong and everything is falling apart.
If you expect to find an answer to this dilemma here, I will have to disappoint you. I am just a quiet observer of the emotional catastrophes within myself and within others. All I know, you can force yourself to do many things; your body is your slave. But feelings are not included in this package. Unfortunately. Breathe in, close your eyes, take some distance and…allow it to happen. Whatever that might be for you.
The situation that you describe there is a very common phenomenon. The source of this unsecure and consistently nagging feeling could indeed be the inability to let oneself fall into the moment, the here and the now.
Alternatively, this also could very well describe a convenience relationship. With this I mean a relationship that is build on some kind of external satisfaction that you get, let it be money, presents, sex, or anything else that you gain from a relationship – But the core, the whole tension, the attraction of the partners character is neither able to refresh you from a bad day, nor to infuse your veins with inspiration and ideas for life. The relationship stagnates and stays alive for the relationship’s own sake, sooner or later becoming a mental prison.
If the partner does successfully not exercise any habits from your personal K.O.-criteria checklist, you have to ask yourself also: Ok, this person has no flaws, but on the other hand are there any amplifiers? Anything about that person that is so rare and is so valuable that it would be strong enough to cover any flaws, if something might come up one time?
In the end you have weight, as always in life:
Giving up the relationship with all its benefits, hurting that partner, and the cost of going back into the dating process, with the chance to find someone who is more fitting to you. Or live with the doubt until that inner voice dies.
What if that amplifier, that rare and valueable attribute, is the fact that he or she loves you like nobody else ever will?
I would insert a quote from a movie which i like; “Good Will Hunting” It’s funny but I think everybody could experienced something like this before… I feel like most of the people start to be conservative in their affairs when they become older.To find the right person I think I won’t be anybody’s Mr.Right. Which makes me happy!
“Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep. I thought I’d share that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and went ‘ah was that you?’ And I didn’t have the heart to tell her. Oh!
Will: She woke herself up?
Sean: Ah…! But Will, she’s been dead for 2 years, and that’s the shit I remember: wonderful stuff you know? Little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but there not. Ah, that’s the good stuff.
~ Robin Williams as Sean Maguire, Matt Damon as Will Hunting.”
When I mentioned the amplifiers, I explained that it describes a characteristic that makes oneself feel deeply fulfilled and attracted to the partner. Unconditional love is indeed a very strong amplifier and lead to a great match, if one feels the same way back. When this is not the case and the unconditional love is a one way street, then one might have “settled” for the partner and be in a convinience relationship.
In my opinion humour is by far the strongest glue there is. Laughing a lot together and about the same situations is just priceless.
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