When is it really over?

How do you know that you have reached the moment of never turning back? How do we feel we have arrived at the longed for closure? When are we really open for something new without the threat of running back from something we know is good for us?

 

Many of us, in happy relationships or not, have these dark moments when our minds are wondering off to the past, to this one person and to what would happen if this person was to appear. We might feel guilty in these moments. We might enjoy the secret fruit. Or we might not pay any attention to it. What really matters, though, is the fact that these thoughts keep on coming back. So, what would happen if this person was to appear? Would we give in? Would we go for it? Most of us would say, it depended on what this person would do. But does it really?

 

Verbal barriers

It is all about communication, they say. Just talk enough to each other and you will be fine. It is key to express thoughts and feelings towards each other. But is it really that easy? Is the fact that we talk enough in itself? Or does the way how we say or do not say it matter much more? What is really key and what is communication in a relationship all about?

 

Somebody else

Do not you want to be sometimes somebody else? Somewhere else? Just disappear and go to a crowded or deserted, but nothing in-between, place where nobody knows you, where you can start over, where your life is a white piece of paper? A place where loneliness comforts you. A place where you just wake up and all your ever re-occurring issues just do not matter. They might be there – your weight, your face, your skin, your boss, your mother, your boyfriend, your desk with all that crap on it, your apartment that never seems to be clean nor organised, your friends that have slept with the whole city but still tend to criticise you, your fridge with rotten cheese in it, your package that you failed to pick up from the postal office for over two weeks already, your computer with the constant pop up of something not working, your dentist appointment that you keep on postponing, your emails that you still have to answer, your book that you have to finish since you got it for your birthday eleven months ago and you might see the generous little person in a month at your next birthday party asking whether you liked it while giving you a new one, and yes, your party still needs groceries and planning and sending out invitations and – yes all these issues might still be there but they would just not matter.

Can we force feelings?

You meet him – Mr Right. Whatever that might be for you. And you know it is him. You know. But do you feel it?

 

The on-off guy

A couple of days ago I had coffee with a colleague in the sun enjoying a self declared “deserved” break from our professional routines. Of course the conversation led to boys boys boys. And it was very targeted as we both knew exactly what the other one meant since we, like hundreds of other men and women, have been there – the on and off thing. How come almost everybody had or even still has this one person we cannot get over or, maybe, rid of? And, is it us, him, or both?

 

City Life

Nighthawks by Edward Hopper is one of the paintings that could catch my eye forever. I almost hold my breath while looking at it. Studying every detail. Partly recognizing myself; partly not wanting to do so.

 

Fragments and moments. That is our life. Grey movement in the cold morning sun. Busy metros with quiet people turning newspaper pages. Amusing laughter and small talk of an army in suits marching towards coffee and lunch places. Almost deserted streets in the pre dinner time waiting to be drowned in people and cars rushing home after work. The shine and glitter right before midnight and then the calm softness of the night slowly turning into morning.

 

The importance of money

Lately, I got to think about money and its importance. Often, people critisise me for the existence of materialistic goals in my equation called life. They start explaining to me that wealth does not lead to happiness and that human relationships are the foundation of emotional satisfaction. And that these were not the Gucci shoes. Also not the Louis Vuitton bags. To be completely honest, I feel tired of getting into these useless discussions and being continuously exposed to the other people’s judgment during this annoying exercise. The buildup of these conversations is always the same and the confidence of my “opponents” ever-growing.

 

Feeling of Belonging

Feeling of belonging is defined as the emotional stream you get on certain occasions best described as “this is where I can be myself; this is where I should be; this is where I come from”. But is it necessarily tied to a physical location? Or can a person trigger the same feeling?

 

I stopped my all so busy life for a second, took a large coffee, and thought about where I belonged to. I could not think of a location. I thought about to whom I belonged to. I could not think of a person. Then I tried to remember the last time I felt “it”. I could not recall. What does this mean? That I am free? Or that I am alone?

 

The Late Spring

You know what is sometimes said about elderly people? About them behaving prematurely and acting childishly at times? About them experiencing the “spring” one more time?

 

Without going into the serious topic of dementia, but rather concentrating on the healthy and happy cases of people who want to enjoy life one more time before a phase is predestined to end, I am experiencing the full beauty of this late spring right now. My study time comes to an end and I am about to start the serious life of an adult. Whatever this means.

The Importance of Closure

I have been talking to a friend at a party last weekend and somehow the conversation led to the topic “ex boyfriend”. Not this type which is loaded with negative memories but rather the type of topic leading to a quiet smile. The ex boyfriend you still like. The one you had not an ugly break up with. It was then that I realized – this is a rather common phenomenon. The men you left for other reasons than the two of you seem to trigger emotions again once you see them. Is a “good” break up not a real break up?